Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Mommy needs a Xanax: My ongoing journey to inner peace

Since my husband has been gone, I have been so ‘busy’ with my pregnancy and a toddler and life in general that I forgot about me.In turn I have neglected my emotional and mental well being.I have anxiety. I have anxiety about my anxiety. I have anxiety about trying to fix my anxiety. It has been a struggle, and I was becoming increasingly disconnected from my emotions about well, everything.  I feel as if I have legitimate reasons for my anxiety, but I still feel guilty that I get stressed and depressed sometimes. My husband hasn't gotten to experience all the joys of parenting (he was here for the first year of Maddox’s life) including, lack of sleep and ANXIETY. I sit here and feel like shit, why can’t I just DEAL WITH IT? Here I am, with our two beautiful babies, smiling or crying who cares, right? I don’t know anyone in the Bay area here, and I literally don’t get any me time ( we are working on that a.s.a.p. by the way) In my head I feel as if all of these factors are just plain bullshit. JUST DEAL WITH IT, HALEY.


So as you know, I hate the medical industry. Yeah yeah, there is a place for them in the world, and it should have to do mostly with car accidents and broken legs not maintaining mental and physical health. I have been having this dialogue in my head about my stressed out past weeks, and how I felt helpless to cope with it on my own. I felt as if I got to a point in my head where I just needed immediate relief to be able to come back down and deal with life with a clear head. I talked to a good friend, who told me how strong I was and how she thinks I was right and might need a little extra help and validated all of my feelings.
So, I went to a doctor. She was an hour late. She looked at me and said “So what is it you want” I said “uhh, relief” She was rude and didn’t believe me. Here I was with two babies, who wanted a damn nap, and I was pretty stressed out after being there so long. And of course because of my Fibromyalgia diagnosis I was treated like a liar. She told me that all she would prescribe was an SSRI. SSRI’s make me suicidal. I went through the ringer a few years back in the medical system when I trusted them and was happily ignorant of the truth, and in this time found that EVERY anti-depressant makes my life come to a screeching halt with sadness and pain. I don’t think they are safe, and I think there are better alternatives for myself. Long story short, I left 60 dollars lighter, and with a panic attack. It really solidified my disbelief in the medical industries ability to care or heal.

Today I woke up and I just wanted to feel better. We went to the library and got a book on the art of intention. *I intend to feel better, damnit*. We listened to the book on the way to the park, and I did deep breathing all the way there. I watched my son play with children and smile with all the light of the universe in his eyes. ( I might of asked some kids what they were looking at while nursing my daughter and they were squealing with laughter at how disgusting it was,  but hey, I’m freaking working on it here.) We got home and the kids took a nap, so I meditated for the first time in, well, way too long. As I opened my eyes, I remembered that this is what peace feels like, not a Xanax. I took deep breaths and let out my emotions the healthy way, the way that brings you closer to your real self. I let the tension out of my eye brows.  I let anger out of my heart and mind. I opened my heart to the universe and let the light in. Ahhhh. I will not give into big Pharma, I will not give into my anxiety. I will give into love, though. Healing and Happiness are already there, you just have to open up and let them in.

While I feel like I’m well equipped to advocate informed parenting because to me, it is visible and simple and easy to understand. But meditation, your physical and spirit body, and Buddhism are harder for me to convey to everyone.  I feel as if there are so many better examples and teachers of this eternal knowledge and I urge you to look into this yourself. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for Buddhism and meditation. Neither are religions. Science backs both of them up.  Happiness and relief await, deep in your mind. Join the collective consciousness and spread the love!

*Buddhism and meditation ARE NOT religions—they are compatible with every person and religion*
( I would also like to say, I am not trying to make anyone feel bad about their choices to deal with anxiety or depression, and hope you find peace and comfort. :) )

A good place to start would be to watch a few documentaries—

What the bleep do we know( This is very enlightening on the science of your emotions and the reality of the universe)(FULL DOCUMENTARY) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkR85DzY24c

(They changed my life, I named my son Maddox Grey after him. I met him in San Fransisco and It was amazing. He is my favorite artist and a great influence for the world) http://www.alexgrey.com/ Look at his beautiful art

The book The Celestine Prophecy is very relevant; although it is ‘Fiction’ It was very profound to me on my journey to discover the reality of myself.

Here are a few more relevant links
Quantum Physics and your emotions-- http://www.abundance-and-happiness.com/quantum-physics.html

Written by Haley

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