Why my son's 1st birthday party will be his last: Birthday Entitlement and Materialism

My son just turned a year old in April. Yes, I went overboard and rented a covered picnic area in a local city park. I got him a few select gifts, one of them and a handmade bunting off Etsy. I ordered him the same teddy bear I've had my whole life, in a different color. I had custom ordered raw, vegan and gluten and soy free cakes. One was a fruit pie, and the other a chocolate raspberry cheesecake. My son had a cupcaked version blueberry cheesecake.

I had a nautical themed photo shoot, and found a local retired photographer who actually owned a sailboat. My baby shower, nursery were nautical themed, as was this birthday. We like to say Drakey has a "nautical themed life" . I liked the nautical theme because it is timeless, innocent, and we live in the SF Bay Area, water and sailing are a common sight.

I had an invitation designed, again on Etsy. I didn't send out one invite. I had one printed for my personal satisfaction.

Theodore. Isn't he Theo-dorable?

I only invited my son's other side of the family. His father, grandmother, aunt and her kids and husband. The grandma, aunt and one of the kids attended. I attempted to invite one other person, but it didn't manifest. It was a small, outdoor, gathering that I planned every detail of. Two birthday outfits for Mr One Year, my sisters kids each having an nautical themed outfit. We dressed the part too. He received a puppy because the neighbors had offered and we couldn't resist (turns out the puppy wasn't a great fit for our household because he was playful and nipped the children's toes, interrupted nap time and the last thing we really need is to co-sleep a pup and to clean up more poo. he was shortly placed with another family.) We made our own lemonade, kale chips, hummus, and so on.

It was all wonderful and enjoyable. The whole purpose of the party, was to bring Drake's family together, because there is separation and they  don't see him much .

Then we opened presents.

I asked the family for a nice feeding set, I had my eye on the thinkbaby stainless steel one.
 He received soft soled shoes, three wooden puzzles, a drum that included other instruments like maracas, an organic onesie and pant set, a stuffed lion, a nautical onesie, cardboard block set, bathtub basketball hoop, a wooden shape sorter, a book,  and a bathtub toy net...plus the gifts I got him, teddy bear, handmade taggy blanket with his name embroidered, a mp3 plush turtle, a xylophone push-walker toy, and an over sized tennis ball. These gifts were opened half at the park and half at home.

An unexpected friend showed up bearing two sets of polo style shirts and shorts and a really big cartooned pair of shoes.

Whoa, that's a lot of gifts, overwhelming really.

My concerns mainly stem from the extended family, we just do not have the same values. Although a $30 stuffed animal is nice, its not the best use of the funds and it is just another stuffed animal. I had to talk his father out of buying him a watch. I would be humiliated to have my one year old in public with a fashion acessory like a watch. At least he wouldn't be late for naptime, though! I really have to work on him not mentioning to the children when they are wearing certain brands, not putting importance on how they look and things of that nature.

 Simply, they are materialistic and we just never will be.

 

Cobbler!

 

Maddox on his 1st Birthday



My nephew celebrated his first birthday with a balloon, a trip to the park and a homemade blackberry cobbler, his grandma's recipe.

How I envy the simplicity.

It's a great tradition, this year we may include some gifts, a tricycle and an art easel. The activity will vary in the years to come based on interest;  it's really a beautiful thing.

At Drake's birthday I was so busy hosting that I didn't have time to let him enjoy the park. Between the family leaving and unexpected guests showing up, I had to start all over, hosting again! Finally, I had enough. I demanded somebody watch that puppy, grabbed a boy on each hip and marched to the swing set. They had a ball. It was all they wanted to do, and all I wanted to see: smiling, happy kids. Nobody else got to witness the real birthday joy, it was just the three of us.

Its true what they say, the first birthday isn't for the child, it is for the parents. In my case the parents, and extended family, and mutual friends of my ex and I  who I hadn't seen in a while...

Weeks of planning, ordering, and organizing, just to put the kids on the swings and let the wind do the rest...

We learned a lot.

 Now there will be a one gift limit per family member. This will require that the gift be thoughtful, not last minute. (hopefully)

Clothing is not a gift, it's a necessity and we don't gift our children what is inherently their right to be provided. Fancy doesn't make clothing suddenly awe- inspiring. Kids don't care about clothes, and if they do, that's a terrible thing! They can like or pick their clothes, but brand names shouldn't matter to them and they should always prefer an activity or toy!
(For the record, Drake received ONLY clothing for Christmas, which only his dad's side celebrates, and a little piano I requested his father give him. None of it was even his size. Box after box of nothing that interested him except the tags and tissue paper... now that he fits it, its not seasonal and the only person who has enjoyed it was my nephew, for whom it wasn't exactly intended.)

Birthdays aren't a reason to rub elbows with people who aren't otherwise around.

Next year, we might plan an activity and invite the family to meet us, but there will be no party, no invitations, no decor, (well maybe balloons, our kids are big fans!) no appetizers, no waiting around or trying to make everyone happy and the birthday boy won't be subjected to rituals he doesn't care about.

                                                                                    


Today while doing our return... there was a birthday boy at Toys R Us. Cute kid, red headed and age 7.  I talked with his mother who told me it was a hard time because of some things going on with his grandmother. She went on to tell me that she was just trying to make the best of it and " Spend the money."
I told him Happy Birthday, and he showed me his box of Lego's.
" $44.99! $44.99! $44.99! " he shouted with pride.
"And I get these too!" He showed me some comic book super hero trading cards.
"And I get to see 'The Avengers' tonight!"

It was all pretty Americana to me, boys and violent characterized merchandise, but it seemed like the money was the real gift here. The mother "going ahead and spending the money", I noticed she paid in check. Could this be spending money she doesn't have during a family crisis? I speculate. Regardless, the kid was more excited about the price than whatever object the Lego set was supposed to construct.

As we are leaving the store, they announce his birthday over the in-store intercom...
and as were loading our vehicle with kids and loot, I see him walking out of the store with a balloon in hand and a paper crown on his head. YES, a CROWN!

This little boy wanted everyone to know it was his birthday, he was boasting about the price of his gifts and it all seemed grotesque to me. I liked the kid, I really did, but I didn't like the messages and behaviors we were teaching him.

If birthdays mean you are royalty, host a kiddie social event, receive luxury clothing, thoughtless and numerous gifts, spending beyond means and require weeks of event planning... I'm out!
Worse, your still doing it when your an adult!

"How this happen to me?  ITS MY BIRTHDAY!" Adult birthday entitlement is the worst!

I literally had a friend of mine host a three day birthday celebration, which I attended two events of and the third night didn't go, so he invited me to a do-over... where I had to put my foot down and say hey, I have a child! You have got to be kidding me!


Drake's father recently had a case of birthday entitlement. It was planned far in advance that he would help 'babysit' on his birthday because my sister was going to see her favorite artist speak and paint, Alex Grey. She even gave her son the middle name Grey, and she hadn't been out by herself in years probably because of her young children. Big deal, really it was. My ex offered to loan her his car. Sweet. He shows up HOURS late, she had already left. When he arrives he has a new hat, necklace, shoes, shirt, pants, sunglasses, cell phone case, haircut, new CD... and when confronted about his tardiness he gives me the, "It's my birthday!" thing.

                                                                                    

I can't wait to celebrate our kid's birthdays and watch them grow. I just won't be going the traditional route here, surprise! I have to be conscious of our choices and what we implement, I don't want to create lavish expectations, because I don't want to "just spend the money" if I don't have it. I don't want my child to know the prices, or brands or care. I want them to know we love them, spend time together and experience childhood bliss and excitement. There is nothing like the simple joys and I intend on preserving them.



Drake and Kagomae in the type of clothing I value!









written by B. Judgey

Spanking and a black eye at the happiest place on earth: Why we say no 'spank you'!

"Non-violence means dialogue, using our language, the human language. Dialogue means compromise; respecting each other’s rights; in the spirit of reconciliation there is a real solution to conflict and disagreement. There is no hundred percent winner, no hundred percent loser—not that way but half-and-half. That is the practical way, the only way." -Dalai Lama XIV

My opinions on spanking were established early in life.
I can remember the last time my father spanked me...
We were at Disney World, "The Happiest Place on Earth" on "vacation".  My siblings and I lived with my father for most of our youth, and my grandmother lived with us and cared for us as well. This particular instance my father was travelling and interviewing for work. The details are a bit vague but I will tell you that the travelling progressed until we had driven a U-Haul into Utah and enrolled in school from a motel room. (by Christmas we had a beautiful home and my father's career was flourishing) But... at this juncture of our journey we were still convinced we were on "vacation"... and what child would know any differently when we were at Disney?
I speculate that the driving and travels created tension between my sister and I. I even went as far as to call her a "Dumbo" after she got off her elephant ride. When Mickey Mouse called our hotel room to invite us to breakfast SHE got to talk to him, and I was SO JEALOUS.  If you can get a vibe of my state of mind, I was the slightly neglected, very sensitve middle child who had been cooped up in a car and possibly exposed to adult stress...
I don't even really remember what I did or said to my sister... but boy did I "learn my lesson"...
The spanking took place in the hotel room, I can remember doing the cover my butt with my hands and when that becomes too painful squrim technique, and the Squirm landed me with a black eye.
My shiner sure put a damper of the family vacation, we had some videos from the trip, but  no photos. My dad realized that SPANKING IS VIOLENCE but any kid being hit could tell you that. I was spanked most likley due to his stress and inabiltiy to cope with my specific needs properly.

Years later, we moved into my mothers home and embarked on years of various types of abuse. The first 24 hours my sister endured (she hadn't lived with our mom from the age of 6 months until age 7) she was hit twice, for the cantelope in the trash can and jelly sandels on the couch.
My sister was spoiled by my grandmother at my father's house, and was never reqired to eat anything that wasnt cheesy or sugary. There was an immediate role reversal when we arrived at moms, and now I was favored and she was abused daily. We were physically, mentally, emotionally, religously abused and my sister was also force fed and tortured with food.

Eventually, my sister told the DARE officer at her school "My mom hurts me." and showed him a scar on her knee. My dad drove from out of state to pick up the following day, and we were escorted by police to collect our things in black trashbags while she screamed and tried to get the officer to take his shoes off in her home. I have seen her once since then, 12 years ago, but I talk to her on the phone sometimes and try to help her through.

After landing back at my fathers, we rebelled against the regime we had lived under for so long. As young teens we did what anybody would do, we went PUNK... then GOTH.
My dad was ill-prepared to deal with his punked-out teens, and worked constantly, and much like the prior years we were left to fend for ourselves.
Angsty, fighting for identity and detoxing from abuse our interpersonal relationships suffered. 

We were never taught accountability, as we recall we have been violent to each other well into our teen years.

Before we ever lived with my mother my bother was 8 and I was 7 he choked me after I beat him in a video game. I was further repromanded for winning, since it wasn't a proper girl thing to do by my granny... same ages my sister threw a dumbell on my leg, I can still recall that pain. As teens my bother used his "hammer fists" against our thighs, I threw a phone at my sisters head, she ripped a necklace off my neck cutting me. I would pin her to the floor and watch her struggle. She fought like a "wild banchee". I would say "cunt punt" and kick her accordingly. I slapped her for turining off my computer mid-email. I spit and kicked my brother in the face. All three of us also were prone to self mutliation. My sister used to pick this same scab over and over when she would get into  trouble and has a scar on her arm still. Later she also was found stashing hair she pulled out on the side of the bed, and got beat for that too The  three of us also  did  "ice burns" which was ice and salt burning your skin, for fun though. Then into our teen years my sister and I did cutting with razors and fingernails and things of the sort, another way of trying to express anger,pain, whatever we were feeling. My brother by then was praticing more of a mental downward spiral type burning and cutting phase, which is still doing to this day among other self destructing behaviors that keep him from maintaining healthy relationships with hiself and others.

Whatever lesson about our personal interactions I was being taught at Disney World didn't translate.

 My father was hit by his grandmother, and resents it. My mother was severley abused and required to clean and cook and raise her siblings . She was hit with extension cords, vaccum hoses, and endured some form of kneeling on wet rice and corn on tile or in the tub puishment.

Dad was spanked, and he spanked, Mom was abused, so she did too. We were taught to hurt eachother as a means of dealing with human fault and error also.


We have experienced a wide range of dicipline (or lack thereof) and abuse. From casual spankings to full blown tell my DARE officer abuse. In retrospect, my father's spankings were no better than my mother's high-heel beatings. I remember my parent's rage more than the pain.
My dad is the one who agknowledges the violence of spanking when my mother still sees no fault.

That's the problem with spanking, its a act of violence and inherently anger-filled. I don't beleive spanking can be emotionless. Who can hit their child without emotion? I can't think of hitting or a child without feeling an emotion...
Don't tell children you hit them out of love either, thats hypocrisy!


My brother is a schizophrenic now, studies have shown violence and trauma are triggers.
My sister has fibromyalgia, which is a widespread pain condition often found in women who were abused.
Abuse even found its way into my love life.

But now we draw the line. No hitting, ever. We practice attachment parenting. We practice non-violence.

We love the peaceful parenting facebook page for support and ideas for raising a child non violently.
http://www.facebook.com/peacefulparenting?ref=ts
 
There are also plenty of studies to back up  non violent parenting as a better, healthier choice for everyone involved.
http://www.redorbit.com/news/health/1112434507/domestic-violence-triggers-brain-changes-in-children/

http://www.drmomma.org/2010/09/why-spanking-is-never-okay.html
Drmomma really has the best article on spanking and we encourage every parent to read it, even if your currently spanking to get a further knowledge on the subject. Blindly spanking your children without knowing the reprucissions is dangerous and  not fair to them.  Praciticng passed on traditions from prior generations without using todays knowledge is  dangerous. Examples being cirucumsion, smoking and drinking during pregnancy(but 1 in 5 white women smoke while pregnant still), arranged marragies, lead paint, gender roles..you get it. We could have easily continued the cycle of abuse, but we came out on the other side as happy and strong women, sisters, mothers, and friends. We also maintain healthy relationships with our children, father, and eachother.

Science and pshycology are on our side. Whats on pro spanking/ physical discilpines side?

"World peace must develop from inner peace. Peace is not just mere absence of violence. Peace is, I think, the manifestation of human compassion." Dalai Lama XIV

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